Why Men Hate Going to Church

In his book, Why Men Hate Going to Church (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2005), David Murrow shows what we probably already know, that there is a gender gap in the pews of churches, with women outnumbering men in almost all denominations. There are exceptions--in Eastern Orthodoxy, for instance, the numbers seem to balance, as they do in Judaism and Islam. But for Catholics and Protestants, men are increasingly absent. Some denominations are affected more, notably the liberal Protestant churches, but the trend is clear and has been around for decades, even centuries. How is it that a religion founded by a man who called men to follow him now has become a faith to which men have to be dragged by their wives?

Murrow cites management expert W. Edwards Deming in his introduction: "Your system is perfectly designed to give you the results you're getting." Christianity, as practiced today in most churches, is designed to attract women and to keep men at a distance.

The needs and aspirations of men and women are different. Think of movies, he says. Church has become a romantic comedy—men crave action and adventure. Churches are places of safety and comfort where women feel affirmed—men want risk and challenge and a chance to prove themselves. Churches seek to operate by consensus, and try to maintain harmony—men love conflict and competition. What women find comforting, men find boring.

Jesus went out as a man among men, and he called men to follow him. Men learn by discipleship, Murrow argues, through experience and through mentoring—through example and challenge.

Churches make it hard for men to fit in. Most parish ministries are suited for women, their experiences, and their proficiencies. Look around at most parish ministries and what do men end up doing? Finance, building, and ushering (at least they get to stand up and walk around). The focus of most parish ministries is on women and children, on patterns conducive to them, on ways of ministry that appeal to them. Men feel lost.

Jesus, argues Murrow, started his ministry with men. He didn't organize women's groups and children's classes. He went as a man among men. He went fishing with them, went traipsing through the woods and deserts with them, went to where they worked and where they socialized. He called them to follow him, and he taught them through word and example, as they lived their life together. He challenged them and rebuked them, awed and intimidated them. He sent them out in his name. He didn't turn away from men's gifts—he didn't tell them they needed to become like women—he used those gifts to set the world ablaze.

Murrow says the church now, as then, needs the gifts of men. It needs their expansionist outlook, which makes things happen. It needs their orientation to risk, as we see in the parable of the talents. It needs men's focus on the outside world, taking the gospel to the ends of the earth, not creating just a safe place for women and children. It needs men's concerns for rules, their pragmatism, their desire to improve things. It needs men's strength. And when men come to church, they bring their families, and their money. And women, too, are drawn by the strength of godly men.

The greatest challenges the Church faces today in its global mission, Murrow says, are secularism and Islam. To meet the challenge, we must reengage men.

As they are run today, Murrow says, churches just don't fit in with the male personality. It is the passive who lead most churches, and who maintain a culture of passivity—and of passive aggressive conflicts. These churches are busy, "but no one stops to consider whether all this busyness is achieving anything." Churches attract "the soft male," the male who is "weak, humble, and sweet." "He is a tamed man. Mr. Rogers is his mascot." And the men who are most likely to be absent or alienated are "risk takers, fun lovers, and dangerous men."

We need, Murrow says, to recover a sense of what we know about men from anthropology. Men have been the hunters throughout history, while women were the gatherers. The patterns and behaviors associated with these models of life endure. Men are project oriented with a built in cycle—"plan; work; celebrate; rest." Then go on to the next project. Men are outdoor oriented. They are warriors. They are called to sacrifice themselves. They seek greatness. They seek to have their manhood affirmed by other men.

All of these things are too often foreign to the cultures of our churches—even perceived as threats.

Churches too often expect men to "check their manhood at the door." They picture Jesus as effeminate, as "Mister Rogers with a beard," according to John Eldredge.

There are two problems with this view of Jesus: (1) it's not accurate, and (2) no man wants to follow a feminized man. Men are looking for a real man to follow: dynamic, outspoken, bold, sharp-edged. They want a leader who is decisive, tough, and fair. They respect a man who tells it like it is and doesn't mince words, even when it makes them mad. Men most respect a leader who doesn't care what others think of him.

Ironic, isn't it? The Jesus of Scripture was exactly this kind of man.... Truth is, the Jesus of Scripture is more General Patton than Mister Rogers.

Jesus Christ is the most courageous, masculine man ever to walk the earth. But we've turned Him into a wimp. His manliness and toughness are seldom spoken of, and men fall away because of it. Present the Christ of Scripture, and men will be irresistibly drawn to Him.

Churches not only have a feminized picture of Jesus, they use feminine language to speak of the Christian life, Murrow says: "References to sharing, communication, relationships, support, nurturing, feelings, and community" abound. Mainline churches have gone further, and removed masculine language from liturgy and hymns in an attempt to be "inclusive." Men are asked to be "intimate" with Jesus, to have a "passionate" "relationship" with him. This kind of talk makes most men squirm.

And having become so feminized, when men come to church and act like men, churches squirm. Murrow tells the story of Teddy Roosevelt, who volunteered as a Sunday School teacher. A boy came with a black eye and confessed he'd been fighting—he'd slugged another kid who had pinched his sister. Roosevelt was impressed, and gave the boy a dollar. He was promptly dismissed as a Sunday School teacher. Murrow's point:

If men are to return to church, we must let them be men. Ferocious, aggressive, risk-taking men. We can no longer expect men to act like proper Victorian ladies. Today's church needs a few more Teddy Roosevelts....

What do men need? Men need permission. Permission to walk with Christ as one man walks with another. Permission to use their masculine gifts to change the world. Permission to awaken the long dormant masculine spirit.